Relationship Tips -“What Does A Woman Want?”
Why Marriages Breaks over Time? What Does a Woman need in a Marriage ? Are you in a Relationship which is withering away with time?Do you find it difficult to Understand a Woman? Do you have a feeling that It is your wife who is responsible for the lack of Emotions in your Marriage.Well,I do not deny that there can be a Problem with Women too but If Your Wife was a beautiful Angel when you Married her and the difference in her nature and her Character are a recent development you need to blame yourself.
Here are Few Relationship Tips for the Husbands to Identify the Problem in their Wife :
Look at your Wife,
Is she changing?
Is she behaving a little differently?
Is she becoming careless?
Is she developing medical symptoms to which all reports give an OK certificate.
Is she OK?
Instead of understanding the turmoil she is going through, Men tend to make the situation worse and push their wife into depression.Research says that If the Person she loves doesn’t Understand her Emotional and Psychological Needs-
- She would lose interest in her house, children and, above all, in you. Your house would always be in a messy condition. She would not be prepared to make efforts for a person who does not love her.
- Your wife may become ill or have a nervous breakdown. She may seek popularity with others if she is not satisfied with you. She may grow so cold towards you and the house that she may even seek for a divorce.
A notable Scholar of Islam said in one of his lecture to Men.”Dear Men,You are responsible for all this because you have failed to keep her content. It is certainly true that some divorce procedures take place as a result of unkindliness.”
I would like to draw the attention of Men to the following statistics. The psychological requirement of affection, the carelessness of husbands with regard to their wives’ wishes and the overlooking of the importance of the mental status of women, have been responsible for many divorce cases.”In the year 1969, out of a total of 10372 separations, 1203 women expressed the reason for their divorce as losing heart in life, feeling worthless, and the lack of care of their husband with regard to their wives’ desires and emotional feelings.”
“A woman said in court that ‘She was prepared to abandon her dowry and even pay her husband a sum of money to make him agree to a divorce. She said her husband was more interested in his parrots and that was why she did not want to live with him any longer.”
We Forget the Purpose of Our Marriage
It is the Mercy of Allah that he has created us in Pairs .With Marriage we get a Loving Partner who becomes our Soulmate and help us in all Struggles of Life.Allah says in Quran :
رَبِّ اشْرَحْ لِي صَدْرِي ; وَيَسِّرْ لِي أَمْرِي ; وَاحْلُلْ عُقْدَةً مِنْ لِسَانِي ; يَفْقَهُوا قَوْلِي
وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجاً لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لآيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ
“And among His Signs is this that He created for you wives (spouses) from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for people who reflect.”(Aayah No. 21, Surah Ar-Rūm, Chapter No. 30, Holy Qur’an).
Infact Marriage is Considered as a Completion of Half of the deen.Al-Bayhaqi narrated in Shu’ab al-Eemaan from al-Raqaashi: “When a person gets married he has completed half of his religion, so let him fear Allaah with regard to the other half.” Al-Albaani said of these two hadeeths in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb (1916)
Love Between Spouse is loved by Allah.Marriage is like an Ibadat(Worship)where the Spouse Completes half of the deen.We Marry for the Sake of Allah and We love him/her for the sake of Allah but after few years of Marriage Couples forget the Purpose of Marriage and the Person who used to be the apple of their eyes becomes the throne in their life.Let us take an effort to Understand Woman from the Islamic texts :
People Complain that It is Very tough to Understand Women.An English scholar is quoted saying,
“The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my 30 years of research into the feminine soul, is: ‘What does a woman want?’”sigmomd feud
But is it so Hard. I mean why can’t you go to your wife and simply ask her what she wants?Lack of communication is the biggest hurdle in marriage.Men wants respect and appreciation from their wife but if you don’t give her a space to communicate ,I doubt if you would really succeed in marriage.
Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
“The most complete of the believers in faith, is the one with the best character. And the best of you are those who are best to their women.”(At-Tirmidhi and authenticated by Al-Albani)
To the men who think that the only responsibility towards their wife is to feed and clothe her.They are in utter confusion.Marriage needs a strong Emotional Bonding.There are many lessons we can learn from the Life of Rasoolullah which can help in strenghtening the bond of our Marriage.
The Psychology & Nature of Women
Before going into any Other facts,First of all We should accept the Fact that Women are Created Differently.This is Proved by the Following Hadeeth :
The Prophet – peace be upon him – said: “Treat women kindly, they were created from a rib, and the most crooked part of the rib is the highest part thereof; so, if you tried to rectify the rib it will be broken and if you left the rib as it is, it will remain crooked, and women are just like this; therefore treat them kindly”.Narrated by: Abu Huraira – Degree: Right – the narrator: Al-Bukhari – The Source: Al-Jame’ Al-Sahih – Page or number: 3331
This tradition is not for dispraising women as understood by the public, contrary, it is for teaching and educating men. Moreover, this tradition expressed the accurate understanding of the nature of the women and indicated the possibility of leaving the woman as it is in the permissible things but to guide her if she exceeded the permissible limits such as doing the sins and neglecting the duties.
What Does a Woman Need ?
The Number One thing a Woman needs is LOVE
Your wife before marrying you was enjoying her parents’ love and kindness. Now that she has entered into marriage agreement with you and now that she has chosen to live with you for the rest of her life, she expects you to fulfill her desires for love and affection. She expects you to show more love to her than she received from her parents and friends. She has trusted you extremely and that is why she has entrusted you with her existence.
Many People believe that their primary role towards their wife is just to provide them food and clothing and expect from them everything.They fail to build the emotional connection with their wife and eventually the marriage either result in lifelong frustration or it just fails completely.Lets understand the emotional needs of a women:
1)The fundamental emotional need of a woman is to be loved.
2)To make a woman feel loved give her the three AAAs:
- & Appreciation.
As long as each partner is fulfilled by the emotional needs of the other, the intimate relationship will thrive.
If Your Complain about your wife is her Not Following your ALL Commands
It is a Misconception among Men that Women have to Obey her husband Silently and bear everything without a Word.
Some people are of the opinion that a wife has to obey her husband silently, even if he treats her in a wrong manner; she is not supposed to complain about her husband, as he is her appointed Imam. This is a wrong concept. A wife is not supposed to obey her husband if he asks her to do anything against the will of Allah and His Messenger (PBUH). Now if such a situation leads to clash, then what shall the lady do? Should she keep quiet? No; Islam has given her the right to complain about her husband. Refer to following:
It was narrated from Aishah (RA) that she said: “Praise be to Allah Whose hearing encompasses all voices. Khawlah came to Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) complaining about her husband, but I could not hear what she said. Then Allah, the Mighty & Sublime, revealed:
قَدْ سَمِعَ اللَّهُ قَوْلَ الَّتِي تُجَادِلُكَ فِي زَوْجِهَا وَتَشْتَكِي إِلَى اللَّهِ وَاللَّهُ يَسْمَعُ تَحَاوُرَكُمَا إِنَّ اللَّهَ سَمِيعٌ بَصِيرٌ
“Indeed Allah has heard the statement of her that disputes with you concerning her husband, and complains to Allah. And Allah hears the argument between you both. Verily, Allah is All-Hearer, All-Seer.” – Aayah No. 1, Surah Al-Mujadilah, Chapter No. 58, Holy Qur’an.(Hadith No. 3490, Book of Divorce, Sunan An-Nasa’i, Vol. 4).
This is regarding Khawlah bint Tha’labah who came to Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) complaining about her husband, and said, “O Allah’s Messenger (PBUH)! He spent my wealth, exhausted my youth and my womb bore abundantly for him. When I became old, unable to bear children, he pronounced Zihar on me. O Allah! I complain to you.” Zihar means saying of a husband to his wife that ‘you are unlawful to me for co-habitation just like my mother’. On this Surah Al-Mujadilah was revealed.
Therefore, a woman has a right of raising her voice and complaining about her husband, in case he does not deal with her justly.
Husbands should adopt a soft attitude towards their wives. It is their duty to take care of them, provide them with shelter, food, clothing and take care of all their daily requirements. They should treat them well, love them and be friendly with them.
Do You Dislike Some of your Wife’s Characteristics ?
Let me give you some evidence from the life of Our Prophet -Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) on how he treated his wife when his wife(our Mothers in Islam) committed blunders:
Every human has some shortcomings. It is natural for a wife also to have some negatives in her personality. But Allah advises the husbands to look into positives of the wives. Try to ignore her shortcomings and be patient. Let me quote a hadith in this context:
It was narrated from Umm Salamah (RA) that she brought some food in a dish of hers to Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) & his Companions, then Aishah (RA) came, wrapped up in a garment, with a stone pestle and broke the dish. The Prophet (PBUH) gathered the broken pieces of the dish and said (to his Companions), “Eat; your mother got jealous,” twice. Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) took the dish of Aishah (RA) and sent it to Umm Salamah (RA) and he gave the dish of Umm Salamah (RA) to Aishah (RA).(Hadith No. 3408, Book of Kind Treatment of Women, Sunan An-Nasa’i, Vol. 4)
Imagine how would an average man behave if his wife smacked a dish out of jealousy in front of his guests? But our beloved Prophet (PBUH) observed patience. And he advised same thing to his followers, as can be seen in following hadith:
It was narrated that Abu Hurairah (RA) said: Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) said, “No believing man should hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her characteristics, he may be pleased with another.”.
Are you Silently Suppressing her Personality?
From Islamic point of view, there is no harm if a married woman works. She is allowed to pursue professional careers, earn money and grow in their careers on equal terms with males. Example can be taken of Syeda Khadija (RA); she was a successful businesswoman.
Life Plans of Spouse should be respected.You Should not frown and show lack of interest in something she is excited about.Everyone is different.Unless you make an effort to understand and encourage her in the halal things she like,You won’t be able to earn her respect.
Quality conversation is also very important for healthy relationships. It involves sharing experiences, thoughts and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. A good partner will not only listen, but offer advice and respond to assure their partner that they are really listening. Husbands and wives don’t expect their partners to solve their problems. Sometimes they just need a sympathetic listener.
Beware of Lack of Openness with Your Partner:
Many couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table for discussion from the onset. A successful marriage is a team work.Women need a sense of Protection.You hide all your stuffs and expect her to open up everything .How would she feel A sense of warmth in you if she doesn’t trust you.There are many issues that needs to be discussed.You cannot just impose your decisions on her and expect her to follow everything without a single fail.As said,marriage is a team work where two persons share the responsibilities,things should be clear and there should be a scope of communication.
Even Our Prophet Consulted his wives on certain matter and he was not at all Dictatorial as some husbands of today.
The Prophet – peace be upon him – has consulted his wives in the most delicate and important matters such as consulting his wife Um Salama – May Allah be pleased with her – in Al-Hudaibia Treaty. The Prophet – Peace be upon him – has written the treaty between him and the polytheists of Quraish in Al-Hudaibia region, in the Hudaibia year and told his companions: Go to make immolation and shave, but no one responded. The Prophet – peace be upon him – repeated that three times but still no one responded to him. T
hen the Prophet – Peace be upon him – went to Um Salama and told her about the matter. Hearing that, Um Salam said: O Prophet of Allah, just go and don’t speak to any one until you make your immolation and shave. The Prophet – Peace be upon him – went out and did not speak to any one until he did the same. Seeing that, the companions stood and make their immolation and began shaving for each other to the degree that some of them was about to kill the other out of their grief.Narrated by: Um Salama Hind Bint Abi Umayiah – Degree: successive – the narrator: Ibn Jarir Al-Tabari – The Source: Tafsir Al-Tabari
Don’t become a muderer of Emotional health of Your Spouse
Harsh but true ; The changes you see in your wife is a product of your own negligence towards her emotional requirements. Marriage is a foundation based on love and respect. Women are tender.They take things more seriously,and your every act of misbehavior towards her is killing the respect you have built in her over the years.Two things should be borne in mind
- Never scold her in Public.Everyone does a mistake.Even the Prophet(pbuh) has advised to counsel a person privately.(hadeeth)
- Never Insult her in front of anyone.She has her own self respect.Even you do so many blunders,But If you want Allah to hide your faults,why do you reveal hers.
Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said :
“A believer must not hate a believing woman (i.e., his wife); if he dislikes one of her traits he will be pleased with another.” (Muslim)
A woman with a moaning husband,who only picks up her faults would not take him seriously. She may even ignore his proper and important points of concern. She would reason for herself “Why should I waste my energy, if my husband is not ever satisfied with my work?”
Not only would she ignore her husband’s criticism, but might even take retaliatory measures.
This is when their house turns into a battlefield. Constant criticism of each other would then prepare the ground for separation and thus a family unit breaks down. In this scenario the woman is not to be blamed because even a wise and patient wife would run out of patience as a result of continuously humiliating attitude of her husband.
Wrong Choice of words
Constantly creating a negative energy in your wife by pointing out her mistakes make her psycologically disable and she begin to think that she is incapable of doing the correct things .
Let’s take a study
“Why can’t you ever cook a decent meal, didn’t your mother teach you anything?”
Although you’re tired and you expected a delicious meal lovingly made, your choice of words show you’re a rude, critical and unthoughtful man. You don’t know how her day’s been at work, home, with the children. Control what you’re saying and flip your criticism to get what you want (below).
“I miss the biryani you make, my love”.
Remind your wife of the good she does for you and watch how it ignites a greater response the next time you meet. Couple the compliment with a physical touch. Generously punctuate requests with sweet words.
The Shari‘ah (Islamic Law) recognizes the full property rights of women before and after marriage. They may buy, sell or lease any or all of their properties at will.She haas the right of dowry(mehr). For this reason, Muslim women may keep (and in fact they have traditionally kept) their maiden names after marriage, an indication of their independent property rights as legal entities.
Women love to feel secure.And she wants to feel secure of her future as well as the future of her children.When you are not doing enough in this regard,she can push herself into deep depression .It is an irony that when it comes to Chosing your life partner,you search for an educated,smart and talented and sometimes a working spouse.But After Marriage,you expect her to not ask about the financial management of the house.You don’t chose to reveal your Income,your spending and you don’t even bother to give her some money to save each month.In Such Circumstances how can you expect your Wife to be Pleased with you at all times?
It is not tough to make a woman happy.You will be surprised to Know that women are such sensitive creatures who gets happy even with a single bar of Chocolate.
How Frequent Do You Flirt with Your Wife?
Have you ever wondered why do the women watch so many TV serials.Well,the serials take them to a world where they see romance, and they see love.although the serials take them to an imaginary world where the romeo can go to any advance for the juliet,Yet you don’t have to be a romeo. But still a little flirting never hurts.And do remember sex and love is not same.
The language of physical touch isn’t all about the bedroom. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, joy, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
Quality activities are a very important ingredient to quality time. Spending physical time together, sharing hobbies and events that you love to do together, bring a couple closer, and, in the years to come, fill up a memory bank, insha-Allah, God willing.
Are You Thinking of A Divorce?
For the sake of Allah and for the sake of your innocent children, be forgiving towards each other.Please Do not exaggerate trivial problems and do not persist in your arguments. Do not pick up faults with each other. Think of your future as well as that of your children.Remember! Your children rely on you and look up to you for their happiness. Have mercy upon them and do not destroy their lives.
Also Read :Tips to Find a Spouse from Quran and Authentic Hadeeth
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This Post Has 2 Comments
Wonderful piece. Jazakallah
excellent article .Thanks for sharing this wonderful master piece